I wish it were something really interesting, like that I lost my arm in a shark attack and got one of those "realistic" prosthetic arms like the one in Soul Surfer, but no. That's not what we're talking about here. Let me just set a few points straight about good old Cindy Brown.
- My boobs are real.
- My teeth are naturally straight.
I do not mind when people ask me about these things. Let me tell you what bothers me. It's when people ask me, I tell them the truth, and they argue me and tell me that I'm lying.
I used to get the boobs question a lot. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I went to bars a lot and people with high blood alcohol levels have loose lips. That, or people are just really impressed with my melons. Nowadays, you're more likely to find me in a church than in a bar and I have to say that I have never had a person come up to me in church and say, "Praise the Lord, honey, are those things real?" My theory is that church people are just too chicken to ask what's really on their mind.
I'm not one of those chickens. If I want to know something about you, I'm going to ask. That sometimes gets me in trouble, though, because people are not only chickens themselves, but they're used to other chickens and they'd rather peck at the truth and speculate about it than to actually come right out and ask a person about a detail like that. Like I said, ask me anything! Just don't argue me when I give you the answer. I actually got into a fight one time about whether or not my boobs were real. It was a man and he completely did not believe me. He insisted that they couldn't possibly be real and that I was lying. That really ticked me off! I'm rather proud to naturally sport what people would pay $10,000 to fake!
Maybe it's because I have a skinny waist. Maybe it's because of good genetics. Maybe it's just a blessing some days and a curse on other days, but my bazongas are above average large for my body size. I can't even get my bras at Wal-Mart or JC Penny's. I have to go to specialty bra stores where strange ladies who specialize in such things actually break out the measuring tapes and analyze your proportions with mathematical accuracy. There's a formula. I don't know it.
All I know is that my mother took me for my bra intervention with these people before Oprah did it on her show ("You get a bra! And you get a bra! And you get a bra, too! Everyone gets a bra!") thinking I was a 36C like I always had been and was shocked when they told me I was actually a 34F or G and that even at the specialty store, it was not easy to find a 34F/G. It's easier to find a 38 or 40 F or G. Apparently, this is not a common size unless you pay big bucks for silicone implants and your stage name is Cinnamon Buns.
Men, just be glad you don't have this problem. And ladies, don't go bustin' my chops because I'm revealing my bra size or you think I'm bragging. They hurt when I run unless they're miserably locked and loaded, the bras are expensive, and there has to be enough substantial rigging so that they don't flatten out or sag (because they're real, so hello, they don't just stay all perky that way naturally). They're not all they're cracked up to be.
[whispers] Also, very small children stare at them in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I know what they're thinking. They're tiny little versions of the men at the bars, except to them, it's the ultimate milk bar!
If I buy a shirt that fits my boobs, the waist is too big. If I buy a shirt that fits the waist, the chest is too small and I feel like I'm wearing a Kevlar vest. I like to tell people that I'm going to open up a specialty store someday named, "Big boobs, little waist!" for freaks of nature like me... and strippers. Except there won't be as much cleavage in my line as there would at Frederick's of Hollywood, you know, 'cause of my holy roller status and all.
Number two reality check about Cindy Brown is much simpler. Again, good genetics, I suppose. I have perfectly straight teeth and have never had braces of any kind. They just grew that way and I'm happy about it. I've had people argue me on that one also. "You had to have braces. Teeth aren't that straight naturally!" Oh yes they are, idiot. In my case, they are. Boobs too! Take that!
On the other hand, the time I had bright aquamarine eye color, I admit was contact lenses that I paid good money for. And wouldn't you know it, only one person asked me, "Are those things real?"