Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Excuse Me, But Are Those Real?

Have you ever had somebody ask you whether a part of your body is real or not? I have... more than once and more than one body part.

I wish it were something really interesting, like that I lost my arm in a shark attack and got one of those "realistic" prosthetic arms like the one in Soul Surfer, but no. That's not what we're talking about here. Let me just set a few points straight about good old Cindy Brown.


  1. My boobs are real.
  2. My teeth are naturally straight.


I do not mind when people ask me about these things. Let me tell you what bothers me. It's when people ask me, I tell them the truth, and they argue me and tell me that I'm lying.

I used to get the boobs question a lot. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I went to bars a lot and people with high blood alcohol levels have loose lips. That, or people are just really impressed with my melons. Nowadays, you're more likely to find me in a church than in a bar and I have to say that I have never had a person come up to me in church and say, "Praise the Lord, honey, are those things real?" My theory is that church people are just too chicken to ask what's really on their mind.

I'm not one of those chickens. If I want to know something about you, I'm going to ask. That sometimes gets me in trouble, though, because people are not only chickens themselves, but they're used to other chickens and they'd rather peck at the truth and speculate about it than to actually come right out and ask a person about a detail like that. Like I said, ask me anything! Just don't argue me when I give you the answer. I actually got into a fight one time about whether or not my boobs were real. It was a man and he completely did not believe me. He insisted that they couldn't possibly be real and that I was lying. That really ticked me off! I'm rather proud to naturally sport what people would pay $10,000 to fake!

Maybe it's because I have a skinny waist. Maybe it's because of good genetics. Maybe it's just a blessing some days and a curse on other days, but my bazongas are above average large for my body size. I can't even get my bras at Wal-Mart or JC Penny's. I have to go to specialty bra stores where strange ladies who specialize in such things actually break out the measuring tapes and analyze your proportions with mathematical accuracy. There's a formula. I don't know it.

All I know is that my mother took me for my bra intervention with these people before Oprah did it on her show ("You get a bra! And you get a bra! And you get a bra, too! Everyone gets a bra!") thinking I was a 36C like I always had been and was shocked when they told me I was actually a 34F or G and that even at the specialty store, it was not easy to find a 34F/G. It's easier to find a 38 or 40 F or G. Apparently, this is not a common size unless you pay big bucks for silicone implants and your stage name is Cinnamon Buns.

Men, just be glad you don't have this problem. And ladies, don't go bustin' my chops because I'm revealing my bra size or you think I'm bragging. They hurt when I run unless they're miserably locked and loaded, the bras are expensive, and there has to be enough substantial rigging so that they don't flatten out or sag (because they're real, so hello, they don't just stay all perky that way naturally). They're not all they're cracked up to be.

[whispers] Also, very small children stare at them in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I know what they're thinking. They're tiny little versions of the men at the bars, except to them, it's the ultimate milk bar!



If I buy a shirt that fits my boobs, the waist is too big. If I buy a shirt that fits the waist, the chest is too small and I feel like I'm wearing a Kevlar vest. I like to tell people that I'm going to open up a specialty store someday named, "Big boobs, little waist!" for freaks of nature like me... and strippers. Except there won't be as much cleavage in my line as there would at Frederick's of Hollywood, you know, 'cause of my holy roller status and all.

Number two reality check about Cindy Brown is much simpler. Again, good genetics, I suppose. I have perfectly straight teeth and have never had braces of any kind. They just grew that way and I'm happy about it. I've had people argue me on that one also. "You had to have braces. Teeth aren't that straight naturally!" Oh yes they are, idiot. In my case, they are. Boobs too! Take that!

On the other hand, the time I had bright aquamarine eye color, I admit was contact lenses that I paid good money for. And wouldn't you know it, only one person asked me, "Are those things real?"

40 comments:

  1. Come on Cindy, tell us the truth...those things aren't real, are they?  Just kidding...you are too funny - I think I see stand up comedy in your future : )  Does your husband read your stuff?

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  2. Yes, Kendra, I said they are real and they are real! You dare to argue me?! LOL... and no, I don't actually think I would like stand-up comedy. I'm good at story-telling, but that just doesn't appeal to me for some reason. Public speaking, maybe. Humor writing, definitely. And no, my husband doesn't read my stuff. I'm (of course) going to blog about that someday.

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  3. Ahhhh yes...36G here. And several years ago I wrote a detailed article about the ins and outs of bra fittings. I knew that I had the right size on when they gave me a strapless bra and I was able to jump up and down and it stayed right in place. See, what holds us up isn't the straps, it's the band.

    If you'd like to read the article, I actually modified it for my blog about a year ago. http://www.kclanderson.com/braBut no one has ever asked me if mine are real or not. Not sure why...

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  4. This could get me killed, but I will share a man-secret. Men think they need a reason to stare, so as not to look like a pervert, even though they are. They will argue with you just so they can stare longer. One more thing, men will probably never argue about your teeth.

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  5. A strapless? Holy moly, I gotta go read about this bra! I gave those up years ago. You can jump up and down in it?! I'm going to the link right now, girl...

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  6. People think my nails are fake because they grow so quickly and are always long.

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  7. Lucky you! Mine break too easy to look fake. I'll have eight nice ones and then the two middle ones always break.

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  8. From another well endowed lady, I can appreciate your post.  I've spent my whole life wearing big shirts trying to hide my "gifts" - glad you are so confident with who you are! 
    Lisa

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  9. Well, that's taken a lifetime of practice, but I'm getting pretty good at it!

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  10. Interesting.  You are lucky to have large boobs with tiny waist.  I like your picture!  I'm just average C sometimes D cup now.  My boob have gotten bigger as I've gotten older.  If stand up comedy isn't your thing perhaps a little pole dancing?  It's tough to be a hottie but you should enjoy. :)

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  11. Noooooo way to the pole dancing! I have stories from my wild days I'll probably eventually spill, but for now, my lips are sealed.

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  12.  haha.  We'll get some wine in you and it will all come out... :)

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  13. Dexter KlempererMay 3, 2012 at 9:56 PM

    Good stuff!  Very funny!  And might I add that's a lovely glass of wine in your picture.  I'm guessing chardonnay, robust, crisp and very oaky with a hint of nectar and a strong melon flavor.

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  14. Ha ha! I don't remember exactly what it was. But it was good :)

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  15. I am envious of your small waist. Mine grew along with my boobs, which is rather unfortunate. 

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  16. Without some form of exercise, mine would be bigger. Thank goodness I have dogs who expect me to walk them regularly.

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  17. The guy who kept insisting they couldn't be real was trying to get you mad enough to let him feel them to prove they were...

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  18. Saw you over on Michelle's blog Motley News, when I admired your clever picture caption. I've already read enough here to know that yes, you are intelligent and funny, and nobody can fake that.

    So I'm going to follow your blog. I've already followed more blogs than I can keep up with, and I seldom decide to add another based on a first reading, but I can already tell that you're an exception, and this will be an experience well worth it.

    Have a great weekend! :-)

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  19. I understand your boob problem.  As for bras, my physical therapist told me last week to go to Nordstrom and get measured for a sports bra there.  She thinks they're the best for us.

    I've had a series of body-out-of-whack problems that meant less exercise and more meds.  So I put on weight.  That meant I grew even bigger up there.  As I try to take it off, that part of me ain't budging.  Since one of my physical problems is neck/shoulder pains, I'm actually considering breast reduction.  Just a tad.  Not too much.  But just enough that my poor neck doesn't feel like it has two giant coconuts draped over it.

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  20. Julie, I have a friend who had a breast reduction and she said it is the best thing she's ever done! I can connect you with her if you like.

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  21. Thank you for popping over to read my blog. I know what you mean about being choosy about who to follow. I have to do the same thing or else I'm reading so much that I don't get any writing done!

    I very much appreciate your kind comments. I would like to use them on my "What people are saying about Everyday Underwear" page on the blog if I could. I've gotten some of the nicest compliments from the men recently. If I knew posting about boob size would do that, I would have started off with that as my first post! Ha ha!

    And it wasn't even this post that drew you either, which is extra nice. I keep saying I need more testosterone on this blog, so thanks for following. I like to get a male perspective as well.

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  22. Thank you for popping over to read my blog. I know what you mean about being choosy about who to follow. I have to do the same thing or else I'm reading so much that I don't get any writing done!

    I very much appreciate your kind comments. I would like to use them on my "What people are saying about Everyday Underwear" page on the blog if I could. I've gotten some of the nicest compliments from the men recently. If I knew posting about boob size would do that, I would have started off with that as my first post! Ha ha!

    And it wasn't even this post that drew you either, which is extra nice. I keep saying I need more testosterone on this blog, so thanks for following. I like to get a male perspective as well.

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  23. Hah! You may very well be right!

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  24. Great post! Perfect title and intro. Respect to the boobs - can't compete there myself, though I can with the naturally straight teeth!

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  25. Thank you, Deborah! Have a great weekend... and smile!

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  26. So funny. I used to get that too. No so much since putting on the extra weight. Now the lumpectomy has me all lopsided—not that anyone would notice all that much. I'm trying to decide if I should get an implant to one or reduction to the other.

    No one would ever mistaken my teeth for real, I've had lots of dental work, but my husband has lovely teeth. I envy you that.

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  27. Hi Lynne, hon, thanks for popping in today! What a decision you have to make and I bet that is not easy. Whatever you decide, I hope it all comes out nice and even ;0)

    Much love, sista! Have a great weekend.

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  28. This is great. I too get the stare, but usually there are no questions. Hey you got them by nature, than allow them to rise. Finding bras that are comfortable can be difficult, especially if you are having a long day and night  (ie. being at a convention). Men do not understand the weight of it all, and women with smaller toots just look at you or make a snide remark. But we carry our heads high, which makes them look even larger...what more can I say, except find the humor.

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  29. And find the humor I do, aug520... sometimes that is all I can do. Thankfully, people seem to enjoy it when I find the humor in things :0)

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  30. The boobs are real.  In photographs, however, I photoshop Angelina's lips over my own.

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  31. Ha ha! That's okay. I photoshopped the wrinkles off of my neck for a fancy black and white profile pic on one site. It's a reflection shot, so in the reflection, I still have them because I got lazy halfway through. Meh, who cares? LOL!

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  32. I do break them a lot, but they grow so fast that in a few days, you can't even tell. The downside is that I have to file them constantly.

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  33.  I was checking out coming attractions to HBS and this title caught my eye, Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History by Florence Williams. http://www.harvard.com/book/breasts_a_natural_and_unnatural_history/

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  34. Glad that you appreciate my comments, and please feel free to use them any way you'd like to. But I never saw your reply until today, and that's only because I came over here to look. So I guess I'm not getting e-mail notifications when you reply to my comments... Hmm, any suggestions you might have would be helpful, but I'll also try to figure it out for myself. 

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  35. I just solved the problem with not getting e-mail notifications that I mentioned in my previous comment here 15 minutes earlier. I also wasn't getting notifications of your new posts, but that problem has also been solved.

    So now I've got some reading to do, to catch up on your posts that I've missed... Looking forward to it! :-)  

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  36. Ok, I am using you right now ;-)

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  37. Hmm... was this while I was sleeping? Kidding! Lol :-)

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  38. I have the same problem! 30G boobs and size 10 waist, straight teeth too, all natural! :-D
    I am actually at the very start (research phase) of setting up my own lingerie business for exactly our types of bodies because like you said, no-one caters for us naturally thin, curvy women. (This is how I found this page!) Everything seems to be for "big" perky fake boobs which most shops class as a D-DD cup, I'm sorry but that is not big, I fall out of those bras!! lol
    I am proud of my body and want to be able to show it off (to my husband, of course) like the rest of the female population!

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  39. Well, hello fellow boob-a-looza participant! It's a blessing and a curse, isn't it? And yeah, I don't want to look like a stripper, just look nice ;0)

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