Thursday, August 23, 2012


My life has been filled with various doctors lately, so I will probably talk about them a lot. You know me, there's something to talk about in every situation and no matter how bad things get, I will find something to laugh and joke about. For the purposes of this post, we are going to laugh about my pap smear appointment.

Ahhh, the pap smear - or "shmear," as I sometimes call it... lovely day for women everywhere. FYI male followers, there is a lot of prep work on shmear day. You have to get completely "nekked" and no, it's not sexy - not one little bit. The only covering you have is a thin jumbo over sized napkin to cover your hoo-ha area and a jumbo over sized napkin with a hole for your head so they can freely examine the upper parts of your bod. Though covered, you're essentially completely exposed. It's not freeing. You feel like Eve after she ate that fateful apple... cover me!

Therefore, everything must be shaved, groomed, plucked, deodorized, and sanitized. Not only that, but your feet are in the stirrups, so your heels are right in her face and your legs are totally exposed while she's "down there" and the attending nurse gets the full meal deal as well. It is necessary to lotion the dry heels and paint your toenails and no stinky feet, puh-lease!

If you don't know what this is, don't ask!

Thank God they either heat them up or use plastic nowadays...

The doctor checks the whole drive train, a real 40 point inspection with free lubrication services and everything. Then she checks under the hood. Nothing inside the engine compartment is off limits. It's quite invasive, intrusive, and 'inspect'-ive and thank you Jesus it's only once a year. And yes, she even goes there. I think I literally sucked in an audible, "WHOA!" when she went there. So not only are you being intruded upon in the most intimate of ways, all in the name of good health, you also have all your junk all up in their faces.

For good measure, they also shine a spotlight on Henrietta Hoo-Ha just to make sure they don't miss anything. No stone is left unturned. I swear, every year, she pokes at a place on Henrietta and goes, "Nope, that's just a freckle." Yes it is. Every year, doctor.

So I'm 43 and old hat with this process, but this time, I had something happen I'd never experienced before. She chit-chats to lighten the mood and we had been discussing our kids and the fact that I adopted mine. She is considering it as well and starts telling me about her foster child and I assume it's a youngster. After all of the pokes (eeeey-aaaaiiiii) and prods and she is almost finished, her cell phone rings.

It's the kid. She answers it. You heard me right. She answers a call from her kid on her cell phone while she's down in Cindy Brown's wonderland. I am still in the stirrups with my knees in the air and she is chatting with the kid about horse riding lessons right between my very thighs.

"Don't worry, the riding lessons are after supper and someone will get you there. Yes. It's tonight. We have plenty of time."

I assume she's talking to a small child, maybe five to seven years old. She keeps talking. I keep laying there, exposed. I'm waiting patiently. The nurse is waiting patiently. I'm already formulating the blog post.

Suddenly irritated and rolling her eyes, she shouts loudly to the child, "Well, I'm in the middle of a pap smear! (pause) I'll talk to you later about it. Okay. Bye."

She turns to me and says, "That was my 14 year old boy."

Oh - my - God. Think Everyday Underwear style for just one tiny moment here.

What if she had accidentally hit the video chat button on her cell phone while she was in front of my hoo-ha? What if? Or the camera button? Well, I must tell you that even I was a little mortified at the incident. But lucky for me, a humor blogger, it gave me a story to tell and so instead, I chuckled and brushed it off, like I do a lot of things.

"Wow," I thought. Just wow.

So I am curious... do any of you have a shmear story you'd like to share? Top mine. I dare ya.


  1. OK've crossed the Rubicon... speaking of the unspeakable. Just had my annual too, though no cell phones in sight. I'd change doctors by the way...horribly rude when one is already in a defenseless, vulnerable position. I personally went through a period of trying to decide if I wanted a male gyn or a female gyn. On one hand, you'd think the female would be more in tune...obviously in your case...NOT...on the other hand, I started thinking that it might be unnatural for ME to have female lay hands on me. Turns out it wasn't! Hmmmm. BUT...I agree that the prep is the worst. Maybe even worse than the dreaded colonoscopy...the whole pedicure, waxing, thing. Uggggh! Shared you all over! Keep em coming...funny stuff!

  2. I've decided to create some apps for that. There'll be the hoochie-coochie app (music) and the Marvin Gaye app (Let's Get it On)... oh, could I ever go on! ;0)

  3. The title says it all! Too funny and a good reminder it's that time again for me too. Ugh

  4. ROTF. The only thing close to that I've experienced is once in college during the exam she exclaimed, "My, what a healthy, pink 'vajayjay' you have!"

    Seriously? Is commentary necessary? No, no, a million times NO! Do what you need to do and get the hell outta there, please.

    Then there was the time I had to go back because the lab lost my sample. "Don't worry, I won't charge you another co-pay." Gee thanks, that wasn't my immediate concern.

  5. Don't forget to get your boobie photo shoot done, too! The old ma'ams-o-gram... ha ha!

  6. Now, Cindy, you know if I ever meet you at a conference or something, I will inadvertently blurt out, "Oh my gawd, it's the pink vajayjay!" LOL! That's a pretty good one!

  7. Nope Cindy, can't top that one....totally untoppable! Who takes a call from their kid during a medical exam??? Ok I once had my eye doctor do that, but it was before the exam started...and it was only my eyes... Oh well, like you said, at least it made for a great blog post. Send the post to your doctor!!! I dare you!!!

  8. Oh my...all I can say is that while I haven't had that kind of ob-gyn visit, I have had many experiences that ended up with me thinking: "blog post material!"'s all up for grabs, right?!

    In any case, there was the time when I had my shmear and for some reason, it got messed up and I had to go back for another...and then that one was messed up. The next time I said, "you're going to have to pay ME!"

  9. Vajayjay. Eyes. No contest. I WIN! LOL!

  10. Wow! I would have said the same thing! Third time was a charm, right?

  11. Oh my! These visits are never fun, but that was quite the trip.

  12. I am seeing lots of doctors right now and have a feeling I'll have lots of stories to tell. I just have to find the time to write them between all these appointments and still get things done, like laundry, housework, carting kids around... have a sick kid at home today I'm trying to get an appointment for and I was sick all weekend. Thankfully, I'm better today, but then my jaw popped and is now killing me! Ugh - it never ends!

  13. Doctor visits make great stories. Embarrassing, sometimes humiliating, and alway awkward. LOL

  14. I can totally work with embarrassing, humiliating, and awkward... ;0)