Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Poopy Little Puppy

I always think there is a book by that title, but then I realize it was instead, The Poky Little Puppy. It's a Little Golden Book. I read it as a child and I loved the book. Years ago, I entertained the thought of writing children's books. Why not, right? Therefore, I have an announcement. In light of my experience with dogs, I'm writing a new book entitled The Poopy Little Puppy and submitting it for certain rejection.

I'm totally kidding. Hmmm, perhaps I should create a tongue-in-cheek satire piece based on each Little Golden Book. Maybe there's a market. Maybe they'd sue me. I'll have to think about that. Sigh... I digress.

What I really want to talk about today is cuticle scissors and playing mind games with my children. What does that have to do with The Poopy Little Puppy? These things are all related, I promise. Don't be confused. Here, I'll tie the threads together for you.

We raise and sell Great Pyrenees puppies. Yes, you've seen the pictures of my fur-babies. The other day, we had to do a little... shall we say... delicate fur maintenance in the buttocks region of a puppy. You see, our puppies have very fluffy, fine, white hair. The puppies also have a little bit of  a case of the goopy poops when they're weaning.

One of the puppies apparently managed to sit on his goopy poop and then fall fast asleep, or some horrid scenario like that, and his fur-mommy did not get it cleaned up. This meant that human-mommy (that would be me) got the privilege of butt maintenance. I know 'tis the season, but I can't very well sell a puppy with a chunk of poop dangling about like a Christmas ornament from the poop-a-doodle orifice.

My plan was to bring the puppy in, put it in the tub, and take care of it with some paper towels. Plan A did not work. The poo was stuck like glue. It soon became apparent that I was going to have to cut the tainted chunk of fur from my wriggling poopy little puppy.

I needed help.

I summoned both children and grabbed the cuticle scissors. Not only did they not want to help and were properly grossed out, man, but they both almost simultaneously exclaimed, "Ewwww, you're using those scissors? I'm never using those again!" I almost crapped in my own fur at that moment. I had an epiphany. Brilliant!

All I have to do to keep the children from running off with my things is to do something disgusting with whatever item they would normally "borrow," then disinfect it. They will never touch it again! I grinned from ear to ear. An evil smile of realization crept across my face. Brilliant, I tell you. Brilliant!

My mind raced. What could I do with the hair brush? My makeup? My stapler! Oh, the possibilities... Why, I think I'll drop something in the toilet right in front of them next week. "Oh no, I dropped my hair brush in the toilet and I just peed. So gross! Oh well. I'll just wash that off and it'll be fine." Hee hee hee. They'll never touch my stuff again.

Felix sure has a pretty butt, though, thanks to my now thoroughly bleached, scrubbed and sanitized cuticle scissors. Brilliant, I tell you. Simply brilliant.

If you enjoy my humor, please click on the Circle of Moms badge on the right to vote me into the top 25 Book Author Moms. You can vote once a day through December 7, 2012 with no obligation. I am currently at #26 and every vote counts. I appreciate each and every one!


  1. Cindy my daughter would react the exact same way that your daughters reacted! And you post is so timely since I just cleaned cat poop off the floor. And why did the cat poop on the floor? Because he litter was dirty? Why was his litter dirty? Because teen daughter forgot to clean it. sigh.

  2. I have an 85 lb labradoodle that has this really long, shaggy hair. We are ALWAYS doing butt maintenance to keep that region under control. It's not as bad now that she's an adult, but when she was a puppy, it was TERRIBLE.

  3. I break out the big scissors for mama and papa dog, but they're pretty much self-cleaning at this point, like you said. I love those mixed breed names, so cute!

  4. You can't rely on teens to take care of pets. At least that's what's been proven to be true at my house. Everything would be dead if it weren't for me, possibly even all the humans in the house.

  5. Hahaha, Cindy. That reminds me of the idea of kids licking or spitting on their food to prevent their siblings from stealing it. Hey, if you lick all the chocolate in the house it will be yours, all yours!

  6. That sounds good in theory, Cara, but here is why it would fail. The minute I lick a piece of chocolate, it's going down the hatch. I have a lot of willpower, but not that much ;0)

  7. No special holiday marketing ploys? The "Star Trek" puppy, including Klingons! A holiday wreath theme complete with Dingle berries!!

    Golden opportunities!

    I voted too. So close to #25!

  8. You can vote every day if you can remember to do it. I hit #24 once, then slid down to 26 - yikes! I want to at least want to land in the top 25. I love your ideas! Funny, funny, funny!

  9. We have a puppy, too and I could tell you a story about her eating the strings from her rope bone and later pooping them out. One ended up tethering her poop to her butt. After this happened about three times, my husband banned rope bones from our house. LOL Yes, I made him handle it every time. ;)

  10. That's a gross yet brilliant idea. Why does a mother's property automatically become communal property?

  11. I don't know, but I am putting that on my list of things to look forward to during empty nest syndrome - nobody disappearing with my crap!

  12. Chock that up to "lessons learned the hard way" - lol!