Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Talk

I woke up yesterday morning and breathed a heavy sigh. I knew it had to happen. I would have to sit someone down and have "the talk."

I was fed up, tired of the crap, and needed to give this person a swift kick in the behind and tell her exactly what I thought of the situation at hand.

I didn't want to do it. I hate confrontation and I knew she would resist my approach, but I also knew it had to be done.

I had to be honest, harsh, brutal, and firm. I knew it would be hard... and it was.

Who is this person I had to have "the talk" with? Who had upset me so? Who was making me worry and fret and put me in this unhappy state?

I'm ashamed to say that it was me.

As I rolled out of bed, I could hear various pops and crackles and it just drove the nail further into the coffin. It sounded like my vertebrae were just knocking around in my body like large, loose, clanking marbles. But this was no fun game with colorful glass orbs. This was my life. This was my health. This was me knowing that I needed to firmly kick my own ass.

I started the conversation in my head, "Okay, muffin top, you and I simply have to part ways. I just can't have you around anymore. I love you, but you're hurting me and dragging me down. You're bad for me and I know it. I just can't ignore these feelings anymore. I need to move on. I need my life back."

You're going to think this is ridiculous, but as I silently gave myself "the talk," I had tears welling up in my eyes.

If you look at the picture of the muffins here, you will see what my belly looks and feels like. Overstuffed! Bursting out of the container.

I knew it was time. I could tell I was nearing my "time to do something" weight and a simple step onto the scale confirmed it. I was at top weight, my self-imposed limit, my doomsday. My body was rebelling, fighting me, and had been flipping me the bird for even suggesting we should get healthy again.

When I lost the 15 pounds after doing the Creative Bioscience challenge, I felt pretty good. Wow, what a difference 15 pounds can make. I now feel uncomfortable. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to move, and if and when I do too much moving, my back goes out like it did after vacation. I am weak and my body is vulnerable... to itself.

Why do I feel so shameful about it?

  • I know better, that's why.
  • I can do better, that's why.
  • I am better than this sloppy existence, that's why.

I used to be a Beachbody coach. Working out was a passion of mine. I inspired other people. I ran a workout group online. I felt like a superhero. Now, I just feel like the villain. A pizza and cheese fueled villain. Sigh. I feel guilty. I have let myself down.

I am reflecting deeply on why I haven't felt satisfied lately and it all boils down to two things. One, I'm not physically fit and therefore I feel sluggish in every aspect. And two, I'm not happy with my home health care job.

I could give you a list of 50 reasons why working out is good for me. One reason is that I don't have back problems when I work out. Why? Muscles support the skeletal system. If the support system isn't strong, neither am I. I wobble and clank around like an old empty freight car. I am carrying dead weight. I am rusting.

This winter has been rough. I haven't been able to go do my home health care job very much because of the weather. If it's too cold, she won't let me come because my car might break down and I'd be stranded in the cold. If it's too snowy, she won't let me come because I might get stuck. If it's too wet, the roads flood and I have trouble even getting there. Mostly, I agree with the logic and have not been wanting to take any chances. However, one of the things I do for her is to walk her dog, which gives him (and me) much needed exercise. No work. No dog walk.

My home terrain is not conducive to exercise. My road is one of the worst in the county and the last to clear of snow and ice and the rest of my walking path was snowed over or too icy or too muddy this past two months. I haven't been walking my dogs since - oh - fifteen pounds ago or so. I love walking out here in the spring, summer, and fall. But this winter, I hate it. I don't even want to go outside. I don't like temperatures under 60 and it's been far under that. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch and hibernate.

Sure, I've used my hula hoop and done an occasional workout, but it wasn't until yesterday that I got serious with my lazy self. And boy, did I kick my own ass. I am soooo sore today. I did a whole RevAbs workout without missing a single exercise and I did it with weights. I woke up this morning and my whole body knew I had been in a fight. I think everything but my fingers, toes, and nose is sore.

But this time, I am winning, not the villain. So I did another workout today, a P90X Stretch one hour long workout. Tomorrow, I will work out again. And again. And again. And again. I will beat myself into submission.

I remember what it feels like to love working out. I want that feeling of love again.

I remember what it feels like to love my job. I want that feeling again.

Sure, I love the lady I take care of and she is "family." However, as I crouched on my hands and knees scrubbing dog poop out of her carpet last week and as I scrubbed her bed sheets where she had soiled them, I thought to myself, "This is my life." And I was sad.

I love writing, not cleaning poop. I'm forty-four years old. I'm smart. I can make a living writing. Why am I doing something I'm not passionate about? Both times I've taken the home health care job, it started as a favor, helping someone out. Somehow, it became life; a life I'm not passionate about.

I don't know exactly how I got here. All I know is that it's time to kick some Cindy ass. Join me?

17 comments:

  1. Awww Cindy Cindy Cindy,

    You and I are kindred spirits. I'm with you, and I GET IT...100%. (you have no idea how much) Just remember how amazing, inspiring, silly, honest, empathetic...and well...down right awesome you are. Everything happens for a reason, and every path leads to victory.

    This post is touching the hearts of many, and your honesty and humility are beautiful. You came along at the exact right time and lifted me up when I really needed it. You have a purpose and a passion and you make a huge difference.

    Keep being YOU, doing YOU, and depending on HIM.

    Thanks for another inspiring post. : )

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lynn, I think you are my biggest superfan! You say the nicest things to me and I very much appreciate your words. I am going to be quoting you and Daryl in my "Things People Are Saying About Everyday Underwear" section. You two make me feel like a rock star. Thank YOU for the encouragement :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. So much of what you write about resonates with me. I fall into the habit of using my RA and winter as an excuse not to get up and move which only proves the physicist right-a body at rest, stays at rest.

    Last summer I volunteered to care for a friends preemie for a year so they wouldn't have to worry about it when he was still hospitalized and his outcome so precarious. Now, he's six months old, a robust and chunky monkey and I'm horribly conflicted about continuing to care for him after his first birthday. You know-because I'm hopelessly in love with the little dude (who is sound asleep in my arms as I write).

    But my intention previous to this was to be writing full time, not nannying again. And it's very hard to turn down, what for me is easy money when I have one college bound daughter, and another 2 years out.

    I love writing, not cleaning poop. LMAO! We are much in the same boat.

    I'm afraid of living a life that happens to me rather than it serving my own purposeful goals.

    Gosh, the little man's head smells good, and his warm fingers are pressed against my chin, and with his face tucked into my neck-it's like he knows he needs to be working me over right now. Maybe until he's two...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, Lynne, you really are right there with me! I have struggled so much with all of this. I have worked out hard the past three days and honestly, for the first two days, I felt great. Day three almost took me down and Lyme decided to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, don't forget that I still affect you."


    I refuse to give up this time. I refuse to keep settling. I must get back to my happy place. I feel like I am on the verge of being depressed, but that is unlike me. Something has to change! I have to make it happen. Hang in there, sister! You and I can row this boat to shore together :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Cindy - I can so relate to your story. I too, was walking every day until the weather turned cold. To quote George Harrison, it's been a long, cold lonely winter. Good luck to you, I know you'll do great with your workout!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you, Lisa. I am doing good so far, but really had to force myself yesterday. I am trying to pull strength from an unknown location. I just have to make myself do it! I refuse to rust away.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bless your boots! You'll get there. You have the motivation and you've done it before :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. thanks for such a motivating and real post

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, I'm always real! And sometimes I'm motivating ;) Being real is what we all need to work on. It lets others know they're not alone in whatever fight they're in. Thank you for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Aw, I've been there so I feel total empathy for where you are, BUT, I can also tell how much inner strength you have. You got this, chica.
    Everyone falls off some wagon(s) from time-o-time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Darn tootin' - I am doing good so far. Worked out hard five days in a row, took one day off and started again. I just need to make it a habit again and the passion will come back. I had Lyme disease a while back and it really sidelined me. I'm ready to be a conqueror once again!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Amanda BoyarshinovMarch 1, 2014 at 10:24 AM

    Sounds like you are on the right track, I think my hard conversations (with ME) need to happen on a weekly basis so that not only am I jump started on my goal, but continously stay focused on them.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you! I have to remind myself that about this time last year, I was very sick and couldn't even work out if I wanted to. I am so happy to even be able to do it, to FEEL like doing it, and to feel like I CAN do it.... amazing. I just have to get back in the habit, which is really hard. Especially when you love pizza and cheese as much as I do ;0)

    ReplyDelete
  14. It seemed silly that I almost cried when I gave myself the talk, but it really was like talking to another person - the lazy me! I have let too many circumstances get in my way. Excuses, excuses, excuses - you know. Some legitimate, some just plain laziness. It's time to stop!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Amanda BoyarshinovMarch 1, 2014 at 10:32 AM

    I've been having little chats with myself and finding them very beneficial. It is easy to use excuses and much harder to be real. IMO!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so with you. I also have taken a long hard kick up the arse recently. It felt so good 2 years ago when I lost a ton of excess chocolate, but in the last 2 years I ate most of it back up again. This week I started healthy eating - now I just need to work out what exercise I can do too. You can be my guru - I need a real hard push every day to move!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I sent you a friend request on FB. I plan to post about my workouts there. I would love to be your guru!

    ReplyDelete