Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wife Swap - Where Would They Send Me?

My daughter recorded an episode of Wife Swap and I just watched a bit of it while eating my lunch. If you haven't seen the show, the premise is that they take two wives/mothers from very different households with opposing views and switch them for two weeks. So I got to thinking... hmmm, I wonder where they would send me?

First of all, they would send me somewhere very neat. The husband would expect a wife who was, how do you say? Duhmestick? Yeah, domestic, that's it. The other mother would be a neat freak who keeps her house spotless at all times, without fail. She would be terrified of the dust bunnies who currently nest in the inner sanctum I call home.

I currently do not bust my buns working out, other than walking my dogs, so they would definitely send me to a man who expects my body to be rockin' (not in a chair in front of Cracker Barrel either) and my diet to be pure. The poor receiving husband would likely be properly grossed out by my little muffin top and tell me all about it and how to get rid of it. He would make me do reps of this and that and run until I pass out, then expect me to make dinner. That brings me to the next point.

I don't cook, so they would probably pair me up with Betty Crocker's husband. Is he still alive? Was she ever married? Is Betty a real person? I don't know, but that's another post. Wanna know what I can cook? Here's what I can cook:

Java mama, Cindy Brown

Coffee. I can cook you a mean cup of coffee. That's what I can do. And something out of a box, like Hamburger Helper or spaghetti. And if you want something else for breakfast, then fine. I can open up a mean box of cereal for you as well.

I think they would also send me to the city where it is very noisy. I'm an insomniac, so that would be great [insert heavily sarcastic eye roll here]. I have this weird kind of insomnia where the sound switch in my brain doesn't shut off when I sleep like it does for normal people. It's some kind of sensory thing. Also, unless I'm really dead to the world, the slightest movement wakes me up. I woke up the other night because a tick was crawling on me. Really. It's that bad. Ticks weigh as much as air. How did I feel that?

They would send me to people opposed to both pets and nature, someplace drab and sterile, without artistic flair, where I would have a brick wall for a view. It would be really cold there, which I would despise.

There would be no Internet access (they'd be against it and all forms of technology). There would be no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. Sorry, I got carried away and slipped into the Gilligan's Island theme song there for a minute. 

This family I'd be placed with wouldn't fart or burp in front of each other and would be properly disgusted if I did. And who knows about me, I just might do that kind of thing. I believe stifling it will cause great pain (wouldn't want to find out what might happen if I didn't), but on the opposite side of that, I stifle each and every sneeze. I'm an enigma. Never know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, and the worst part about this family would probably be that they'd have no sense of humor at all. They'd be gulp -- quiet people. Nothing would make them laugh. It would be like pulling teeth. I'd hear crickets in response to each opening of my mouth. It would be like playing a game of Operation after taking out the Funny Bone. Not a good time, nooo... not good at all. I'm always very uncomfortable around people with no sense of humor. I think there's something wrong with them, genetically speaking. And if you're one of them, what are you doing on this blog right now? Furthermore, do not send me hateful e-mails about my bashing of the humor impaired. It won't be tolerated and I'll punish you by forcing you to watch Blazing Saddles on a repeated loop until you break down and cry like a baby.

In the end, the wives each get to spend fifty grand on the other family for something that would truly help them improve their family unit. I would buy them $50,000 worth of comedy DVDs and I'd come home to find my kids and husband working out in our new $50,000 gym and expecting me to cook something healthy for them afterward in the $50,000 kitchen.

Well, that decides it. I think I'll just stay home instead.


25 comments:

  1. I loved this post!!! I have only saw the show once, it was just too much for me, but I think if they had to swap me they would probably send me to a very neat and tidy family somewhere very rural where I had to sew my own clothes and can my own veggies. The poor family would starve and freeze!!! What fun to find you on Lisa Weinstien's fun site. I'm now happily following you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kathy! Welcome to the tribe! I think if anybody else had me, I'd be saying "poor family" too. But mine loves me just like I am, so that makes us all perfect for each other :0)

      Delete
  2. I've spotted that show a few times while flipping channels, and I've always kept on flipping. Thank you for confirming my instincts. Also, thank you for not cooking. I don't cook either... except pie. I bake a mean pie, homemade crust and everything - about four times a year. A quarterly pie. I have a Betty Crocker cookbook for those occasions when I'm forced to attend a potluck. Twice a year my book club comes over for a meal and afterward my husband laughs because it looks as if a bomb went off in the middle of a bowl of spaghetti, even if I don't make spaghetti. I feel very close to you right now. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, Cara! Aren't you glad to know there are "others"... I don't have the cooking gene at all! Thankfully, my husband likes to cook. I don't understand it, but he can even do things from "scratch." Foreign concept to me. For me, "scratch" is when you take a fingernail to an itchy patch of skin.

      Delete
  3. I love that show because I get to tell my kids - "See that woman could be your mom." We share a laugh and the fact that I also told them that you can only fry chicken in an industrial kitchen like KFC doesn't make me feel so bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I utter that same phrase to my children! Funny, isn't it? They couldn't pay me $50,000 to do that show! But I like to catch it sometimes just to remind myself of how great my life here is and how happy I am just being who I am and being with my own wonderful family. They love me, warts and all!

      Delete
    2. Cooking? My late husband said that my cooking is why he drank. It's probably why he went from husband to late husband. So when my friend started this recipe swapping thing online, I declined with, "I would never give anyone a recipe unless they really wanted to do away with their husband." I get my meals daily from the caterer down the street. If they ever go out of business, I'm done for.

      Delete
  4. That sounds like a crazy show! I sure hope my family would keep me around. Honestly, I'm not sure how many moms would want to deal with twelve...
    Sandy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just reading your username about made me pass out! Horrors! I can barely manage my two. I'm not sure whether to admire you or be scared of you. Twelve? Girl, you are brave!

      Delete
  5. Lucille, that's hilarious! I never did the recipe swapping thing either, 'cause - why? I got nothin'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wife Swapping doesn't sound like much fun at all. Some of what you say would be similar for me - they'd have to send me a neat-control-freak husband. Everytime I meet one of those women with a husband like that I feel sorry for them. Yucky.

    By the way, I read an article on Betty Crocker one time when they were updating the portrait logo. She was never a real person - just an advertising symbol. I was kind of disappointed. I never wanted to be Betty Crocker, but I would have liked her to exist somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! Betty is a fraud?! I'm so disappointed. I'm never cooking again! LOL!

      Delete
  7. As always Cindy, you are too funny. I watched that show a few times, but I couldn't take it. Keep the good stuff coming!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too funny? Like overly funny? Like Jim Carrey annoys me but I still love him funny? Gee, and all I was hoping for was "funny enough" - haha!

      Thanks for the compliment and the comment, Kendra!

      Delete
    2. Too funny? Like overly funny? Like Jim Carrey really annoys me but I still LOVE him funny? Gee, and I was only hoping for "funny enough" - haha!

      Thanks for the comment and the compliment, Kendra!

      Delete
  8. Hilarious. What a concept right? Who could go to someone else's family and solve their problems anyway? I have enough of my own, right in my own home. I like how you'd spend the $50,000.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The pairings they do are so good. Like they take a vegetarian and put them on a pig farm... brilliant!

      Delete
  9. Cindy, I think I might get sent to the same family! Oh and I love Blazing Saddles. This was hysterical!!!
    Great post!
    Lisa
    www.lisagradessweinstein.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lisa! I would not punish you by making you watch Blazing Saddles... you are on my side :)

      Delete
  10. I seriously think you should apply for the show, Cindy. I'd watch just to see the fun. Any man I would be with would have to have very low expectations in all those categories, too. Yet another reason why I'm single. And I love your sense of humor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! Who knows, I might be on TV someday, but I hope it's not on that show...

      Delete
  11. I have never seen the show, but have heard of it. Sounds interesting and funny. But now you got me thinking. If I were swapped they'd gain AND lose. I'll tell you why. I LOVE to cook, so that is a very good thing. But presently I am a very spoiled wife (have been for over 30 years), so I can't be told what to do. I clean on my own time. lol!

    Now I think I'd like to watch the show, just because! :)

    ~Virginia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by my blog today, Virginia!

      I thank the Lord for my husband who loves to cook! I pity the man who expects me to perform in this area. I fully intend to hire a housekeeper/cook/assistant the minute I become a rich and famous writer, if there is such a thing in store for me.

      Being domestic is like having a green thumb for me. I'm missing that gene. I just don't have the inclination unless I'm really in the mood, and that is rare. My husband earns the "best husband in the world" award because he doesn't care about my genetic deficiency any more than I do :)

      Delete
  12. I have never seen the American version, but I have seen many of the originals. Presumably they are based on the same premise.

    The women are on a hiding-to-nothing. That is, they are sent to incompatible homes that are totally unsympathetic to everything they stand for. Imagine sending a deeply religious woman to a radical, irreligious home or vice versa! Rather than expanding the families' experiences, all it does it make the families more of what they were before, and makes the women into weepy outsiders.

    Be grateful you have not been invited to participate :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. It sure is an interesting show and in the American version has of course done the exact switch you talked about. I don't think I would do it, even for $50,000.

    ReplyDelete