Warning labels - they're everywhere. But do you read them? I am one of those oddballs who will read an entire instruction manual or back of a box of whatever even if I think I already know it all. I read directions, instructions, manuals and the like and therefore, I know more things about my electronic devices than you will ever know. But when was the last time you checked the label on things you use in your home on a regular basis? This is Everyday Underwear, after all, so let's explore a few everyday things and bemuse why those instructions might have ended up there.
Any yahoo knows that you use this product to clean around the kitchen or bathroom. It says "All Purpose Cleaner," after all. But then if you take the time to read the back, you'll find it's not for all purposes. In fact, who knew it isn't recommended for soft vinyl, varnishes, or aluminum? Not me! Until I read the label, that is. Ah, but Cindy, these things sound reasonable!
Yes, they are. But did you know you aren't supposed to use it to clean food? I'm not lying. It says right on the back, "Avoid contact with food." I know, you're thinking that it doesn't mean that, but that someone cleaned the counter with it and then sat their apple on it and became ill as a result. Oh no, no... that would be too easy. What probably happened was that somebody somewhere thought, "This apple sure feels greasy. Why, I think I'll just wash it off with my favorite kitchen cleaner, Formula 409! It's for all kitchen purposes, says so right on the front!" (If you read that last sentence with the voice of Ernest P. Worrell in your head, it plays better, by the way.) That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. A lawyer probably made them say that.
Suave Professionals Shampoo
Yes, I know how to use my shampoo and so do you, but for fun, read the labels. You'll find a gem like this one: "Did you know that your family could save up to $150 and 3,200 gallons of water per year by turning off the water when you shampoo and condition?" Let that one sink in for a minute...
Okay, now let's discuss. I can see the genius of the marketing department meeting now, "Sally, come up with a catchy phrase about conserving water for the back of our shampoo bottles and have it on my desk by Monday!" With an enthusiastic, "Yes, sir!" Sally produces the above quote and it sounds wonderful. Sounds like a great way to conserve water, doesn't it? Sure! It's a great idea! Sally even gets a raise. But did Sally try it out and freeze her tush off while the water was off? I doubt it. Did Sally turn the water off while lathering up, inadvertently get shampoo suds in her eye (thus temporarily blinding herself) and then scald herself because she couldn't see to get the water adjusted right again when she scrambled, screaming in pain, to turn the water back on? I doubt it.
I don't know about you, but part of the reason I like taking a shower is to be enveloped in nice hot water for the entirety of the experience. Excuse me, but I'll pay the extra $150 a year to keep the goosebumps and chattering teeth away and if suds get in my eye, I can flush it immediately and safely away. Call me a pansy, I don't care. I'm not turning my water off mid-shower.
I'd like to challenge each member of Suave management to try this helpful suggestion for one solid week and get back to me with the results. If I want to save money with my shower, I will use this method from a previous post. Toilet paper conservation is another matter altogether, but golly, Suave, we are already saving plenty by using your very good and reasonably priced shampoo, now stop trying to ruin my shower with these silly suggestions. I have a well. It self replenishes. I don't need to save 3,200 gallons of water by freezing my bazongas off during the wash cycle.
Clearasil Acne Cream
"For external use only." Need I say more? Holy moly, you have a pimple WHERE? Oh my Lord, go to the doctor or something, don't try and put Clearasil in your [insert favorite orifice here]! Good gravy, what are you thinking? Clearasil says on the tube, "This product may cause skin irritation, characterized by redness, burning, itching, peeling or possibly swelling," and you want to use it internally? Whyyyyy? Um, hello, read the label before you end up in the ER.
Ultra Downy with Febreze
Let me just say first off that all of these products are great and I'm not bashing them in any way. I just think the labels, warnings, and instructions are funny. I love this fabric softener. The smell is so wonderful that if I were a bath-taking kind of gal, I would want to bathe in it. So of course I want to use it on my towels, robe, clothes, jammies, etc. so that when I get out of my hot shower (ahem, Suave, are you listening?) I can wrap myself in the essence of fabulous fragrance that is Downy with Febreze.
And then I read the label. "Warning: Liquid fabric softener can increase fabric flammability. Using more than recommended can increase this effect. Do not use this product on children's sleepwear or garments labeled as flame resistant as it may reduce flame resistance. Do not use this product on garments made with fluffier fabrics (such as fleece, velour, chenille, and terry cloth).
Okay, first of all, I'm supposed to wash all items made of those fabrics separately or not use it in any load which contains those fabrics? Downy, I am not sure I can use your product at all! I might catch fire! Oh my Lawd! Are you kidding? The scene plays out in my head... I get out of the shower, grab my towel, and poof! I spontaneously combust. Dangit! Okay, so I am exaggerating and I'm sure the warnings are for good reason, but I am not going to stop using my Downy on my towels, jammies or robe. I will smell good when I die.
NOS Energy Drink
Okay, now how many times have you read this label? Any times? Be honest. You just drink it for the energy buzz, don't you? I have an extreme aversion to energy drinks, but my husband drinks them occasionally. My kids want them so bad and I refuse to let them have them. Guess what? Read the label, 'cause they aren't supposed to have them! "Not recommended for individuals under 18 years of age, pregnant or nursing women, or those sensitive to caffeine."
The first thing covers both of my girls. The last thing covers all children. If a kid who isn't out of school and is still enrolled in PE classes needs more energy, there is something wrong unless they have a disorder of some kind. All children go ape when given too much caffeine in the first place. If my littlest has too much sugar or sneaks some of my coffee, she literally bounces off the walls, yet both of my kids think they need energy drinks. Kids all over the place are drinking them. If you are a guilty parent, are you reading the label?
And I don't want to know what would happen if I were pregnant or nursing and "fed" that to my baby. The tiny babe would probably fly around like a rendition of Flight of the Bumblebee in my belly and then practice kickboxing on the walls of my uterus. Why, I would never! Of course, I would never be pregnant either, so the point is moot for me.
Well, that's enough for today. I will have more humorous labels in the future. Please remember that this is a humor blog and all of the preceding statements are made in the context of humor. If your feathers have become ruffled by any statements herein, please read my "About Humor Writer Cindy Brown" section on the top right of my home page. It explains in detail what to do and how to remedy your unfortunate condition.