Last week, I was very sick in bed. I had gotten up, got the kids ready and onto the school bus, and immediately came home and went back to bed. I awoke to the sound of a truck coming down the road and the dogs barking furiously. I was groggy and laid my head back down to drift back off, intending to ignore both annoyances.
Ah, but 'twas not to be so. In a few minutes, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my electricity going on and off over and over in quick succession. It caused every beeping thing in the house to do its "I'm on now!" beep about 10 times over and over. Half asleep, I thought, "Okay, what the heck?" and got dutifully out of bed to check the truck noise, barking dogs, and spastic electricity.
I was tired as could be, so my brain wasn't working up to par. I looked out the front door and the image I saw was hard to accept. Black. It was mid-morning and the sky a few miles away was a dark slate grayish black. "Oh my God, it's going to storm!"
I began ticking off the list of things to do in my head. Thankfully, I first remembered the windows were both down on my car. I ran outside in sock feet and rolled them up. What a time for crank windows!
"What next?" My mind raced. Check the radar. No! Grab the dog beds off the porch - they might blow away. Done! Now check the radar. I literally ran to the computer and brought up the moving radar and noticed the red warnings at the top. "Severe thunderstorm warning - unplug electronics immediately and get to a safe place." Crap.
I didn't want to lose my computer to lightning, so I crawled under the desk and unplugged everything and got the TV and things upstairs unplugged. Now what? The little dog's outside - I need to get her in. Luckily, she was at the back door on a chair, chillin', so she came right in without incident.
Since my computer was running on battery, I checked the radar again. Tornado warning. Eeek! I saw the black. It's a tornado and it's going to get me, I just know it! Oh my lord, what now? Turn on the radio. Sure enough, tornado warning. The storm is just north of me and they've spotted rotation. Crap! What do I do? I was resting nicely, snuggled up sick in bed and now this!
I could barely think straight. I decided the next important course of events should be to put on shoes and a bra. If I was going to be wandering around among storm debris, possibly injured, somehow I had the presence of mind to make sure the boobs would be perky and my sock feet wouldn't get wet. "There might be a lot of splinters," I reasoned.
Take cover in an interior room with no windows. Shoot! The closet is the only such room and it's full of junk that's probably more dangerous than a tornado. Okay, the clothes closet will do. I'll go there, despite the unlikely scenario that F5 tornado winds might impale me with a hanger. On the way, I thought of some other things.
I'd better grab my purse, just in case. That way I'll have money for a hotel or food and they can identify me easily if I'm dead. I could just hear the coroner explaining to the newspaper, "Like any good woman, she grabbed her purse - she made it very easy to identify the body."
I decided next to stick my cell phone in my pocket, just in case I needed to call someone, should I survive and the phones were out. I thought that was quite smart, even though I don't get a good enough signal to talk without cutting out at my house. I could text for help? Yeah, maybe.
It still wasn't storming, so I decided to think about what I might need and not have access to if my house went all Wizard of Oz. I'd better use the bathroom. Yes! Great idea! What if I have no toilet after this and have to pee? There will be no toilet paper in the storm debris and who knows how long it will be until someone saves me?
After successfully eliminating, of all things to have happen at that very moment, I received my monthly visit from aunt Flo. All I could think was, "Really? Now? A tornado is about to hit and really? Now?" Yep, now. I'm on the toilet and the feminine products are under the sink. "Okay, do I waddle over with my pants down to get my product and take the chance that the tornado would hit at that moment and I would be found with my pants down or do I forget it?"
I decided I'd take the chance. Wandering around in tornado aftermath while bleeding from there would not be pretty. People would expect you to be bleeding from perhaps the head or arm after a tornado, but aunt Flo bleeding would just be uncouth. I waddled over to get the product and literally prayed to whomever might be listening, you know, God, Zeus, anyone to not let the tornado hit until I was properly protected. That was the most stressful feminine protection dash ever!
Thankfully, we got a little wind and a little rain and that was it. I stayed fresh and protected and the storm passed. The world here in the middle of nowhere continued to rotate, without damage. Whew!
What would you do in the face of an imminent tornado?