Sunday, May 3, 2015

Penis Interruptus

Hey, guess what? I'm not dead! And furthermore, I'm doing another penis post! That's right, as if one penis post on Everyday Underwear wasn't enough... I've had another accidental penis-ing.

Yes, I believe it's high time I address the longfellow again since I was recently assaulted by such a fleshy intruder. By the way, may I just tell you that I found a resource listing 174 ways to call a penis something other than a penis and so I'll be using that. I'll be using that a lot.

Have you ever received a one-eyed snake picture out of the blue? I'm not referring to random porn spam. I'm talking about personalized pork sword sent straight to your instant messenger app. No? Just me? Well, that figures.

Funny story. I had a guest post candidate picked. I had befriended him long ago online and was impressed with his work. I even gave some free criticism and consultation to him on his writing and website. He was a good writer and I accepted his guest post submission, with some tweaking. He presented nothing but professionalism to the highest degree in our dealings. We played Words with Friends, talked writing, and he was a very down to earth and eager writer in search of a leg up.

One Saturday night around 12:30, I received an instant message notification that he had sent a picture. I was busy doing my own thing and didn't immediately look, but figured it was a beach picture. Odd that he would send one at that time of the night, but whatever. He just so happens to live in the area to which I will soon be moving. Yes, I've been a bit busy selling our house and buying another one in Florida, but more on that another time. Right now, we're talking about the skin flute.

Before I had a chance to finish what I was doing and look at the picture, I received several panicked messages in a row from him in the following vein:

"OMG, I'm so sorry!"
"Oh no, I didn't mean to send that to you!"
"Please forgive me. That was meant for someone else!"

Hmmmm, I thought. I bet I know what it is, but I could be wrong. Sending a picture of a tallywhacker doesn't seem like something he would do at all.

I held my breath and cautiously opened the message, knowing that I would have to scroll past whatever it was in order to read the messages, and hopefully the explanation for whatever this offending picture could be.

My face says it all:

Yep, it was, in fact, a schlong-a-long-a-ding-dong, ready for business.

Oh crap, not this, I thought. What am I supposed to do with that! (Blog about it, of course. Duhhhh!Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I wasn't expecting this. What the heck?

My immediate thought was to block him from all connected channels without a word. But then, I determined that it probably really was a horrible mistake and I should give the guy the benefit of the doubt that this was a terrible mistake, never to be perpetrated upon me again.

I don't remember exactly how I responded, but I took the cool cucumber (no pun intended) approach and humorously chided him, telling him it was lucky he sent it to a cool chick like me and not to his mother. I figured by the late Saturday night hour that he was quite possibly intoxicated. I could tell by his responses that he was very embarrassed and regretful and I pointed out to him that he would live in fear for the rest of his life that I would blog about his wiener schnitzel, which I unashamedly am doing - right - now.

I pointed out to him that I had done a penis post before and shared the link. It was then that he crossed the line just a teeny weeny bit. He asked me what I thought of his junk. I knew better than to respond in any encouraging way and told him that I had already deleted the picture from my memory and would never be thinking of it again. I also deleted the entire message thread so that I couldn't even accidentally see it again. I'm happily married. I have no desire for accidental eye-strange, as I've stated before.

Rachel Thompson would slap me upside the head for not blocking him immediately. It's truly a sexual abuse survivor's worst nightmare to be accosted by a strange baloney pony. Luckily, I am healed of past transgressions and it was no trigger for me. But for some women, it would be a major setback to have this happen.

I took some time to let the whole thing sink in and analyze what to do with the situation, and after a great deal of thought, I decided that I could not promote his work on my blog. It was actually a very hard (no pun intended) decision to make. However, I couldn't get past the fact that if he accidentally did this to me, he might accidentally do it to someone else; someone else in a professional capacity, hiring him because I featured him on my blog.

It was a bad mistake on his part. I e-mailed him and told him of my decision and said that I hoped he could understand why I could no longer put up his post, which was scheduled to be my next one, within the week.

This next part... well, I just can't even...

He e-mailed me back and said that he was shocked about my decision, but that it was my blog and whatever and wished me luck.

As I contemplated how to respond, possibly suggesting an explanation or something rational from him as to why he was sending disco stick pictures to anyone, especially in light of the fact that he had just commented before that on Facebook that he was okay with being alone and not dating, which I was wanting to verify that I remembered correctly, I realized that he had blocked me from every connection we had.

Yes, you read that right. He. Blocked. Me.

Wait, he blocked me? Oh my God, he blocked me for real. HE blocked ME.

Well, I never. The audacity! His maturity level presented itself in a glorious all-time low. I refrained from responding or reacting publicly because - well, why? I had better things to focus on at the time.

I am now compelled to add this rule to my guest blogging guidelines.

"If you, at any point, either accidentally or purposefully, send me a picture of your genitalia, I will be forced to remove you as a candidate for publication on Everyday Underwear."
--Sincerely, the Management

Thank you and good night.


  1. Cindy, first of all - I have missed your posts! Second, OMG every time I read another one of your nicknames for "Mr. Happy" I laughed even harder. On a serious note, you made the right decision to not feature him on your blog - he doesn't sound like he has good judgement!

  2. It's good to be back, Lisa. I've got a lot of catching up to do with my blogging community. So happy to see you stop by, my friend and I'm glad I can still make you laugh! <3

  3. I laughed so much during this post, my dogs started whining. I do not understand the current easiness with sending pictures of one's bald headed Jesus puppet. I mean, have you watched someone work a selfie at a restaurant? I can only imagine the endless retakes involved in photographing one's Beef Bayonet. Then the retouching (Im assuming one has touched it once, at least). Also, I mean, given that the member is transitional by nature, at what point during its regular phase transition does one push the button? Fully engaged? Indifferent? Does one prepare before hand, as if one is trimming the hedges? Does one engage in topiary prior to the snapshot? Do you ask you mom for advice? It's just way too complicated for me.

  4. Oh my Lord, you have me rollin' Bull! Beef Bayonet - that's awesome. Lol....

  5. Happy you are back. Adore your posts, and this one is a hoot! Thanks a bunch.

  6. Hahaha. Yup, he lost me at asking what you thought of his junk. Ew! That's one toke over the line.

  7. Thank you so much for the kind words. They really mean a lot. I have missed writing and am happy I can still make people giggle.

  8. Now, on the contrary, if you, as one of my guest post people, had sent me a picture flashing me your boobs, I probably would have found that hilarious. But if it was "the other end," well, not so much. Ha ha.

  9. Valerie TanswellMay 7, 2015 at 1:35 AM

    Personalized pork sword - still cracks me up. Although I'm not glad you went through this, I secretly am, because it makes a great story. Thanks for sharing.

  10. You kick the door down, you slammed the tablet on the table, you fisted the pen and scratched as you scribbled the humor out of your screaming gut. Holy cr*# you're back and shaking our computers with laughter. Lookout Gator land, she is on a white literary horse, laptop in her saddle bags and pen flashing in the air "High Ho Underwear". She rides her charger with "Every Day Underwear flag swirling in the breeze,alerting the borders of Disney World that a new mouse is in the house. She wears a smile, not some dumb mask, and two pearl handle pens adorn her side. OMG lookout, watch what you email, you too can face this creative mind ready to scroll you into history forever.

  11. Ha ha, Tom, you are so funny! Thanks for all of your words, they are a huge encouragement to keep on writing!

  12. Valerie, that's a great compliment. Thanks so much for reading. If I can entertain the world with my misadventures, I'm happy :)