Saturday, May 12, 2012

Ma'ams-o-gram: Take Two, with a Twist

I cannot promise this will be my last post about boobs, but honestly I'm about to declare May 2012 as "Boob Month" on my blog. I thought this post would be the last one about boobs, but then I saw the controversial Time magazine cover and I might have to talk about that in the next post, I'm not sure yet. I'd be interested in hearing your opinions more than giving my own and I'm sure it's a hot topic in the blogosphere.

Now, back to my boobs! I went for my follow up and I have to say that I was pretty worried. This time, they put me in a special consultation room with a reclining chair for me to undress and wait and I immediately thought that meant they were most likely making me comfortable for the inevitable bad news. Then a lady who looked like she held an important position came in and told me not to be concerned if they did send me for the ultrasound after the new images, that it still would just be precautionary. I was sure I would be going. I was worried.

Being the sheeple (I read that term for religious people the other day and I love it) that I am, I of course thought that I should say a little prayer in my head before the "photo shoot" (another term I read today and love, thank you Cheryl) and that's when it got weird and I sent myself into another laugh attack. I cannot believe the idiotic prayer my brain chose.

It went like this: "In the name of Jesus, I just give this test to you today and I put my breast in your hands..."

Then it hit me. I busted out laughing. Oh my God, I just asked Jesus to grab my boob. I couldn't even finish the prayer because I couldn't stop giggling. I hadn't said it purposely that way in my head, but again, curse my sense of humor! That's how it came out without even thinking! How could I have possibly worded that prayer any worse? Then my mind went crazy.

Would God see the humor in my prayer? I hoped so. Or am I just headed straight for the fiery dungeons because my mind works that way? We're made in His image, right? So He's gotta have an awesome sense of humor. Don't be mad, Jesus. I didn't really mean to ask you to grab my boob!

I imagined Jesus hearing my prayer and doubling over with laughter, then straightening, facing his Father, and saying, "Can I, Dad? You did a great job on that pair." Then Jesus would laugh hysterically while saying, "I'm just messin' with ya! Oh, I crack myself up! Grab her boob! Like I would do that! Ha ha ha haahhahahaaha!" while God gives Jesus a "Don't you even think about it" stare and taps his toe in disapproval.

"Young Deity, go to your room!"
"Gosh, Dad, I was only kidding, gah!"
"Don't take my name in vain, young man!"
"I didn't, I just said, 'gah,' - I didn't mean you!"
"Don't give me any lip, young man."
"Jeez, Dad..."
"And don't take your own name in vain either!"

Somebody's probably really going to hate this post. I almost named it, "Jesus, Please Hold This Boob." Hey, I'm a Christian, but I am as real as they get. Deal with it, or go read another blog. Your hate mail will be "returned to sender".

Thankfully, I composed myself before the tech came to get me. I was relieved that it was only one breast this time. She positioned me and then funny part number two happened. She said, "Okay, now I'm going to have to just twist your breast for these just a little bit."

Great, she's literally giving me a titty-twister. Fellas, I know that even you have had a titty-twister at some point around fourth grade, but Lord Almighty, when they're squashing it AND simultaneously twisting it, crap-a-tootie! Finally, she finished and I went back for "the wait" while the radiologist looked at the images. I got to freak out again when she came back and announced "He said we need some more views using another paddle."

Great. This paddle has a circular thing that looks like the underside of a cup holder that isolates the area better. Then she got out a ruler and started taking measurements! I giggled again, thinking, "Okay, I know they're big, but really... it's no Guinness World Record or anything." I decided to keep that joke to myself. I didn't want to laugh because she was trying to be precise in pinpointing the area of concern and I didn't want more images and thus, more pain. Still, it seemed like she was making blueprints out of my boob measurements. Weird.

After a second long wait in the reclining chair, my reading of National Geographic was interrupted with word that all was well and I should come back in a year. I said, "What! I went through all that for it to be nothing?" She informed me that was a good thing. Everyone keeps asking me what it was and I don't have the slightest idea. All I know is that it's not of concern and really that's all I need to know right now. My concern is to figure out how to pay my 20% for the second mammo, radiologist, blah, blah, blah bills.

Whatever it was, I put it in Jesus' hands and it turned out okay after all, so I guess he did appreciate my sense of humor.

I do have a question for you women. I've had many, many people tell me they have had to go back a second time in recent years, since technology is better at detecting things, and then it turns out to be nothing. Have you noticed this with your mammograms if you've been getting them for a while? I think they need to streamline the process a bit so they're not unnecessarily causing women everywhere to be "stressed about the breast." Your thoughts?


  1. I have two separate issues - one completely benign and one that increases my chance for breast cancer, so I'm a bad judge of normal. 

    But with malpractice being what it is, physicians err on the side of caution and order more tests to protect themselves. Also, U/S is becoming more common. My state even requires it be covered as routine for certain conditions.

    I go every six months - once for the big squeeze and once for the U/S. I don't let it stress me. Maybe because I've face the possibility of breast cancer since I was 23 and then went on to nurse two kids. At the first sign of bad news, I'm prepared to go artificial.

    Keep your humor. I laughed so hard at your prayer to leave your breasts in Jesus' hands.

  2. Thanks! You are officially the first one to laugh. I was afraid maybe I had offended the world with that one ;0)

    Wow, that's great that you are on a schedule and that you don't stress out about your tests. My very first one was because my doctor thought she felt a lump, so it started out as a stressful process for me. Then last time, I thought I felt something, so that was stressful. This time, I was confident and  not stressed going in and so of course, I had to get the call-back.

    It would be nice to just do ultrasounds. Mammos are painful for me! But as always, I'll try to keep the humor.

  3. Okay I am not a woman and cannot attest to the breast exams. I CAN however tell you I cracked up. funny.....Dear Heavenly Lord I put my breasts in YOUR hands. Take care of them. LOL..........seriously........tears running down as I read it again. Yes God has a sense of humor - he watches our antics and listens to our crazy thoughts every day - he HAS to have a sense of humor.

    Thank you for the hearty laugh at your boobs expense and I'm sure with the twister going on - it was NOT pleasant. :-) Mike

  4. I felt like I was about to pass out before she was done! I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. Oh, only me and my crazy life can come up with such entertainment...

  5. I mentioned this in a reply under Take One, but it bears repeating, sort of. I have never, ever left the mammographer's...what? Little shop of Horrors comes to, I guess, without having to go back into "the room" for another look, another pinch or squeeze with the spatula, whatever. I asked her if she was a sadist or what. She said, "I'm thorough. Get over it."
    I am still giggling over your masterfully crafted piece, especially as I create a mental picture of the Lord hanging onto my breast(s). Even He needs a laugh now and again, wouldn't you say? 
    Go back in a year and enjoy your everyday underwear. What is that, BYW? Items sans lace? Or sans holes? Stretched elastic? 

  6. Pleased to know that your breasts were in good hands, Cindy; and that you also recognize that God has a delightful sense of humor - putting up with us, after all, requires that.

    I won't go all religious on you and talk about your prayer in that vein, but I'll declare that we serve a God who answers prayers - 'nuf said.

    It's great that you are able to see the uumor in your situation and that you're also positioned to pass along your thoughts. For those suffering with similar issues (fear at the top of the list), a touch of humor is quite rightfully needed.

  7. A couple of years ago I had a mammogram and then they sent me for an ultrasound.  It turned out to be nothing but of course, during that one hour time frame my life passed before my eyes.  It was during the work day, I took a long lunch hour.  I had to go back to work so I couldn't go have a drink which is what I really wanted to do.  So I did the next best thing, I had chocolate!  It helped!  Glad your boobs were ok Cindy!!!  And despite the worry, I'd rather the radiologist take more tests than not enough!
    Take care, Lisa

  8. Cindy, I wanted you to know that I've enjoyed your many posts. You're a thoughtful and thoroughly funny lady that I've come to appreciate.

    Welcome to the world of blogging awards. I've just nominated you for a Liebster Award.

    Please drop by Claudsy's Blog to receive your instructions and to pick up your award.

    Enjoy the recognition.

  9. High compliments, Claudette! I graciously accept. To receive awards from such talented writers is more than I could imagine. Many, many thanks!

  10. Lisa, that's funny! I had an accident one time and my life flashed before my eyes. It was weird. I never really believed that sort of thing actually happened in real life until it happened to me. Obviously, I lived through the accident. Either that or I'm haunting all of you with my blog.

  11. Thank you, George! God does answer prayers and I am sure of that. He doesn't always to it in the way or in the time frame we would like, but His will and timing is perfect and I always am able to see why later, and that's the beauty of knowing God, eh?

  12. Little Shop of Horrors! That's too funny!

    Oh, and here is the answer to the question about what everyday underwear is: 

  13. Cindy, your reaction to your prayer made me chuckle! I'm glad you're okay and I'm sorry you had to undergo such stress. I've been having multiple mammograms (and paying the price!) for the past five years. There have also been years when it's been necessary to do sonograms and spot compressions, gosh, those aren't fun! And it's a pain but my mother and first cousin have both had breast cancer and so I know the importance of following up. One specialist told me I had fibrocystic breasts, another one disagreed, and every year the reading is different. I cringe every time I have to go in. Thanks for sharing you experience with us! :)

  14. That's what makes you uniquely YOU. Wouldn't have it any other way. Can't wait for your next post - I mean honestly - where can we go after this one? Joking aside, I do hope all is well.

  15. Where can we go after this one? Oh, I have commentary out the wazoo, a never ending stream of it in my head! We will go to all sorts of places, I assure you!

  16. I linked to your blog through Mobeyjoecafe. I like to give credit where credit is due.

    I can totally identify with what you've written -- the callback and getting an ultrasound part. They did mine the day before Good Friday and I honestly thought I'd have to break bad news to my family over our Easter get-together.

    Three things I'm thankful for:

    1. The ultrasound showed it was just a cyst.
    2. Universal health care here in Ontario. Not a penny out of pocket.
    3. Jesus does have a sense of humour.

  17. Amen, sister! AMEN! So many women have to go through this every day and it's so stressful. Not a penny out of pocket? Jealous!

  18. I'm encouraged by hearing how many other women have experienced this. The best thing about my blog is that each and every time I post, I find out "I'm not alone." What a wonderful community to have ;0)

  19. It's too bad that the 'extra twist' variety causes so much alarm - and they're all 'secret service don't let the cat-out-of-the-bag' in there, too, which adds to the stress levels as you wait. I, too, wonder about the procedure - but in the end, I'd rather be extra-squished and extra-safe than 'maybe you're okay - we're not quite sure.  Just go home and think about it all night for us, would you?'

  20. Mmmm, yes. Another title for this post could have been Mammograms: A Necessary Evil. I know I have to do it, but I don't like it. Like cleaning house. Blech!

  21. Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Oh, the squash-o-gram.  Must make the dreaded appointment (very tender boobies, here).  Note to self:  Ask Jesus to hold my boobs.  It worked for you.  Maybe it will work for me. 

  22. LOL! :0) Thanks for stopping by here as well! I love making new bliends. I just made that word up for "blog friends."

  23. After this:

    "In the name of Jesus, I just give this test to you today and I put my breast in your hands..."

    I'm surprised no one chimed in with "Hi, I'm Jesus . . ."

  24. The comic riff on Jesus, your boob and the Son of God's conversation with Dad was hysterical! LOL :-)

    A true believer of a Christian with an irreverently hysterical sense of humor! You are a rare find indeed!

    Sorry that you went through that kind of uncertainty and fear, but I'm very happy that you are OK.

  25. Thanks. I was hoping my Christian following would appreciate that humor. It is raw, but I am real and won't change that about myself for anybody. I don't think God would appreciate me if I were a fake :)

  26. No, since God made you, I don't think that He'd like it if you were a fake, anymore than Prada likes having all those cheap knock off handbags flooding the market. But you are not a handbag... Uhmm... wait a minute, I meant to say that you are not a fake. Nope, definitely not a fake. I think that you are absolutely for real - unless I'm in a delusional state right now, and you only exist in my imagination. But if that's true, then that would be my fault and not yours, so don't worry about it. 

  27. When I had my ultrasound for my lump it turned out to be folliculitis which was just an inflammed hair follicle. Which could explain why it wasn't there when you went back and they didn't know what it was. I had mine for about 7 days and as soon as I paid the $40 co pay and the $78 radiolgy bill, poof it was gone in 2 days. Go figure. Isn't that how it always is. Like they always say about pregnancy tests. Want to get your period? Go spend $10 on the test, it'll be here in an hour lol

  28. Boy, isn't that the truth! I can't count the times those things have happened. Thanks for visiting Everyday Underwear, Mrs. Gosse!

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