Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Meanest Letter, Ever!

Dearly Beloved,

With blind trust, I write this, hoping that you will heed my desired wishes. I'm not sorry to tell you that I do not want to help you with your charity project, even with the 20% commission incentive. Though I have never met you before, I can say that you repulse me.

Thank you for contacting me also about the investigation. I'm glad nobody else knows we are in communication. I am so sorry that huge amount of money has been laying dormant in your account unclaimed for so many years. Still, I don't want it. Stop trying to give it to me. I'm sure someone else would like your money. I can't - and won't - help you. Ever.

I know that you are fast, friendly, and flexible, but I do not need your low rate interest loan or fast money. No fast money. No dirty money. No money, no money, no money!

It is terrible that you are a widow and that you have colorectal cancer and heart disease which cannot be cured, but I still do not wish to take the distribution of your wealth. Furthermore, I don't care about your cancer. Really. And I don't care if you think that's mean of me to say.

I do not wish to come together with you, Abdul, and "reason what you have to share with me." Your trade and the important role I play in its $186 million is of little concern to me. I have bigger fish to fry. Go jump off a Nigerian cliff. I have laundry to do.

I am not in the market for a new car today and if I were, a stranger sending me an e-mail would be the last place I'd start looking. Leave me alone!

It is fantastic that I have won the Yahoo Microsoft Euro Lottery. Heck, I don't even remember entering! However, you can keep your money and shove it where the sun don't shine, brother.

Wow, thanks for quoting me some scripture in your Western Union message. It is great that you cannot deceive me because your Bible says, "What shall it profit a man to gain material things and lose your soul?" You are very insightful, but your guilt trip is not working. Keep thumbing through that book, though, charlatan.

Additionally, thank you for paying the fee for my bank draft so my DHL package can be delivered. Whew! I wonder what is coming from Britain for me? Still, I do not feel comfortable giving you a copy of my driver's license. Shove it, mister!

I am so glad you contacted me about the problems with my PayPal, Chase, and other bank accounts I didn't even know I had. If I want to re-activate them and verify my information, I will go through their actual site and I would never be caught dead clicking on a link you sent me in your faked e-mail. Bite me!

Sincerely yours,
Cindy Brown (a.k.a. Fed up with my daily junk mail folder contents!)

23 comments:

  1. Cindy - I can relate, I think I delete at least 20 emails a day. I guess there must be people out there gullible enough to fall for these scams, otherwise they wouldn't be sending them! Hope you are doing well!!

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  2. Great letter. May I borrow it? ;) Yesterday I received a call from a very nice, spunky guy, who sounded like a recent college grad, contacting me about the "online questionnaire I completed about employment opportunities." I didn't realize the job market had bounced back so strongly legitimate companies were randomly calling people! Great news for our economy.

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  3. Ah, riverboat pirates navigate the treacherous waters of the internet. I ages past, when caught they'd be hanged. Now, and on a global scale, their practices have become so regular, so normal and routine, that nobody even prosecutes such criminals, much less hangs them. Perhaps it is that the authorities who might otherwise be on the lookout for such behavior are just as corrupt as the pirates. Arrrgh!

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  4. Cindy,
    I often laugh out loud at the absurdity of these messages, wondering who in their right mind would ever nibble. It's funny, I have a similar post in the works, but yours is fun and dot on!

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  5. Good answers to the crooks Cindy. Be warned there are two new ones in circulation. One is a very realistic looking email supposedly from BBB about your customer's spam complaint. A subject guaranteed to get any internet marketers heart racing.


    The second, which also looks genuine tells you that you have Linked In messages.


    Both are phishing and one BBB variant also infects your computer with a virus.


    A tip that helps me pick up these is to use one email address for all my social media accounts and nothing else. Any email coming to that address is either a social media notification or junk.Almost all of these phishing and junk emails are directed to this email address, presumably picked up from social media sites.

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  6. Hahaha, Cindy, you said it sister! And as a fellow blogger, may I also add: You made various good points there. I did a search on the matter and found nearly all persons will have the same opinion with your blog. I needed to compose you that little bit of note so as to thank you so much once again relating to the beautiful basics you have discussed in this article.

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  7. Excellent response to a most annoying problem!

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  8. I love that you covered each on so succinctly. Perfect responses! Good for you!

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  9. We all have this problem, I fear. I just had the balls to say it out loud, LOL!

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  10. Cara, when they start spamming and directly mentioning my blog, it both bothers and scares me! Ugh, what we have to put up with to be computer users...

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  11. I will look out for those! Thanks!

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  12. Arrrrgh, indeed. I get so many every day, you wouldn't believe it. And I'm very smart about it, yet one or two actually make me do research before I figure out they're bogus. Thank goodness I'm good at checking things out before jumping into shark-infested waters.

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  13. Sure, use it at will. We all deal with this crap. It amazes me that people are so criminal.

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  14. Doing pretty okay! And you know I will blog about it if I'm not...

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  15. There are days that I hate my email. And all Nigerian princes.

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  16. Thank God for junk mail filters, right? At least I can delete them all with a click of a button. They are very annoying though.

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  17. I am always thrilled when I am positive it's junk just by the title, so I can delete without even having to open it. Annoying!

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  18. I write letters right back to them asking for so many things -- mostly treats for my mutts, Zippy and Kipling. Hilarious post.

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  19. Well, hello, J-Bog! Am I the only one who calls you that? And do you hate it? Thanks for making a surprise visit to my blog and leaving a comment. Nice to see you! Say hello to the mutts for me. I hope they get lots of treats from the spammers ;0)

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  20. Would you like to sponsor my in-grown toenail? I've named it Fred.

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  21. Certainly. Fred sounds like he needs help.

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